A Ramble...of a person who's wires are scrambled.

I just made this blog... literally just now!
And I do know this is my first entry which makes it "the first impression" whoever's going to read or see will have about me.
Personally, I think first impressions are overrated and not something we should base our reactions or our opinions on.
Because everyone sees others with their eyes, meaning that we see what we want to see, and most of the time we see the faults we have HUGE in other people, and treat people based on our deductions that are false. For example, I know a man that sees all other men/guys as dirty thinking, nasty, immature boys whose biggest thought is sex. What I see is that this man sees others with his faults under a microscope, though he would NEVER admit it, I truly believe that if he was honest with himself he'll find that other guys and men are fine, yeah there are some that are bad, but not all! In addition, not every guy that sees a girl thinks of sleeping with her. So please don't judge me by this. i'm a really happy positive person that's a bit annoyed and a bit sad and a little bit mad.
Anyway, back to what I was getting at.
I am in a rut, and I am SUPERLY down.
I can't really exactly say the reason why.
But what I can say is that I was never expecting what happened.
And I feel like crying, but I don't want to seem weak or objecting the will of Allah.
Because I know that everything happens for a reason, I know that my turn for dunya happiness is coming, but I am really tired of waiting, and that Allah swt knows what's best for me.
I hate not being married.
I hate not having a guy.
Someone that'll laugh with me, fight with me and love me.
I know its not all pink and lovely, I know that it is a lot of work, but at least it'll be different.
It won't always be the same crap over and over.
I want a guy that'll never ever utter the word "Newafir" or "Twafeer" which mean lest save some money or we're saving or we don't have money.
I HATE THAT.
Money money money...
Everything is linked to money.
UGH! It makes me sooo mad.
WTH is wrong with everybody?
Can’t anyone have a normal discussion these days without money being in it?
To me money is something that'll let you have more. But not necessarily make you anything.
All money does is hurt.
People who don't have it are hurts emotionally by people who do have it and treat them with arrogance.
People who have it think they don't have enough.
I hate that for a person to be recognized these days they have to live a certain lifestyle, with a certain car, house and a sense of style that'll automatically change the way people treat each other.
Money in our crazy world gives people that have it false Respect .
I say false because the day the money is gone, the respect goes with it.
Yeah there are people who are rude and aren't respected even if the did have millions.
But I’m talking about the majority.
I’m in such a bad mood (LOL!) I think it's obvious.
And I don't know what to do to get out of it.
I'm reading Qurán and it helps a lot, but still, I feel caged on the earthy side of me, my spirit seems to want more, but I don't know what to give it.
I want to do soooooo many things but for some unknown reason I lie on my bed staring at the picture of steps in Paris in the winter and daydream of what could happen.
I even made a story out of it, to be written soon.
At this very moment, I wish I were engaged, so I could have a boyfriend the Halal way, the clean Allah pleasing way without ruining my faith our disobeying my Lord.
I wish I were in Paris right this moment, sipping an espresso on the Champs Elyseés watching people go by reading a novel by Nora Roberts or Cecilia Ahern.
I wish that the bookstore I want to build would open today before tomorrow and I’d FINALLY have a place where I can lose myself in, where I can forget about the whole world and just be me.
I wish I wish I wish I wish... so many numerous things that may seem mediocre to people but for now are what I really want.
On that note...
I say goodnight...
And may my next entries.
Be- hopefully- bright
And shed light.