My Bubble Burst

I thought that if I was super good, super sweet, super kind… I’d get married. I’d get my prince charming. Apparently I was wrong on two things. A) it doesn’t make a difference and its not magic! B) there ain’t no prince charming. Regardless. I still want to get married. Because, I believe even though marriage is full of responsibilities, it has some fun too. I mean we don’t have boyfriend girlfriend relations in Islam, but we do have movies, music, books and TV shows from all around the world showing us the –yes glossed and unrealistic but still tempting- relationships, the happiness the sadness, the happily-ever-after(s) and what am I supposed to do about it? What can I do about it? Simply absolutely nothing. All I can do is sit and dream and keep wishing that I might get a slice of that reality. Feminists and the women of my family, would kill me if they heard this. They’d say that there is much more to life that getting a guy, that they aren’t worth the effort and you’ll get that headache one day so why ask for it now? Well because I am tired of waiting I am tired of sitting around while I know that my friends and people around me are getting a piece of the cake, yes it’s wrong and forbidden in Islam –the whole dating thing- and Allah doesn’t allow it and it grants sins, breaks hearts and so on and so forth, but I want it the right way, I want it with the guy I marry, I don’t want him to be serious except about certain things like: monogamy ((me and only me playa !!)) and respect, other than that, I want us to be goofy and silly together, I want us to go bungee jumping and sky diving, try extreme sports and extreme fun and adventure, at the same time he’d enjoy sitting beside me in our quiet living room just listening to the world pass us by. But basically I want him to have fun with me. Yeah I want him to have fun with his friends and be social, but still I don’t want a guy that would be bored by me or get nervy and jumpy if he’s not out with the guys. I hate how I sound.
Recently I’ve been having depression attacks… suddenly my heart feels like theres this giant hand squishing it… it really hurts and I feel like I just want to curl up under my sheets and cry my eyes out. But I don’t for many reasons, mainly because I want to end this feeling, I don’t want to hang my hopes on some unknown future, and I don’t want to rely on a person to make me happy because I for one know, that people are the biggest disappointment in life. You can only rely on yourself to make you happy, because otherwise, your hopes – most probably, almost all the time- get crushed like an ant, right after they are belittled and made fun of.
It’s not the whole -I don’t have a guy- that’s bothering me, it’s everything. The list of things that hurt and anger me is really long. But there are certain things that are in bold and highlighted, while others are just on the list and wouldn’t bother me if they were on their own, but they get stacked up, those little things, and in they wind along with the big issues make me explode and shatter into so many pieces, I think I lost some when I put myself back together so maybe that’s why I feel hurt, there are so many gaps that need filling, so many pieces of me that are missing, all the scars and wounds that are barely healing get picked at constantly, never to truly recover and match the rest of my skin.

10:32 pm 11-3-2008
Actually this is how I feel almost everyday 4:36 pm 6-Jan-09